Fluffy and Offensive

okay, so i haven’t ranted on here about this yet, but i do need to.

so you know how i changed my name and all that at school for yearbook and for when they called my name out at graduation? yeah, those bastards said they’d do it, and then didn’t think of maybe mentioning to me that they weren’t going to do it till the whole shebang was midway through.

THOSE BASTARDS. IT WASN’T THE FACT THAT THEY DIDN’T DO IT. IT’S THE FACT THAT THEY SAID THEY WOULD AND THEN THEY DIDN’T. FUCK YOU. WAY TO DASH A YOUNG GENTS DREAMS. FUCK YOU.

i hope a bear digs up your great nana’s grave and eats her nipples off.

FUCK YOU.

i really am asexual. i mean, out at my dad’s we don’t have a computer and we have local television (i actually really like this, it’s so far made it a lot easier for me to focus on things and get shit done and overall do more things i enjoy doing) so i’ve had a lot of thinking by myself, and the more i think about it, more i realize, i’m pretty damn asexual. i know i don’t know a lot about this thing or whatever, but it makes a shit ton of sense.

i mean, when i first hit puberty i sort of had sexual feelings, and everyone was like “oh, those will grow and become insane and you’ll want to hump everything” and although i tend to act very sexual in person, i don’t actually enjoy sex or thinking about it or looking at it or anything. it’s just really kind of gross the more graphic it gets. 

i sort of talked to my mom about it and she was like “well maybe it’s because you’re a boy with low testosterone” which seems legit until you get onto the topic of “well, there all these other trans guys that seem really sexual without being on T…” i can understand her view point, since everyone in our family has a libido that shoots through the roof it would seem. but i never really could relate to that sense.

and every person i’ve been with gets personally upset when i try to just be intimate without sex, like they think i’m just with them so i’m not alone, which is farthest from the truth. and then there are people that i just pretended with because it wasn’t that i didn’t feel some sort of strong attraction and affection for them, it just wasn’t that, but i didn’t want to upset them so i went ahead with it. and then i was horribly disappointed when the whole shebang actually happened, so then i figured maybe i just needed someone else. and then that was horribly disappointing. and so was the next one. and then i swore off all dating and sexual contact for a year to focus on school because i had come off a bunch of medication and school is something that can get really rough for me and it was my senior year and i just didn’t want the drama of a new relationship.  and whenever i told people they were all “wow! good luck, and that’s really smart! i’m sorry though” and although to a degree i understood why they said sorry, it was really easy. i’m flirtatious by nature, so i had some whoopsies there, but overall it really wasn’t that hard going without it. in fact, even after i’ve graduated, i feel fine not looking for anything. i’d like to have some kind of lady companion ship and maybe a cuddle buddy (oh my god do i love the cuddles =u=), but i am perfectly fine with never pursuing sex for the rest of my life. i kind of wish i hadn’t in the past.

idk, i don’t want to assume anything super fast, but the more i think about it the more blatantly obvious it all seems.

i’m paraphrasing, but essentially yes, this is what that dude ended up getting around to saying.

you know what? asexuality may not be natural but neither is the shape of you dick. pick a better profile picture.

when someone completely avoids answering a question by stating an opinion that was only remotely related to the topic.

working on a youtube series type show thing. like pops…but different story, less super hero’s, more hell and death and fun.

i have a piano i can literally roll out of bed and play on at my dad’s. i love going to bed at night and looking over and seeing that beautiful horribly out of tune lady. you finger it…it’s a lady…

i might be getting a car? maybe?

got a second job interview today, came up to my mom’s to turn in my old uniform and pick up my last check from my old job.

my aunt gave me a check  to cover a three credit semester long class next year (TT_TT oh my god so happy you don’t even know.)

i know how the four hundred dollar savings bond that my grandpa set up when i was born (it’s good to know he was looking out for me even after he’s gone)

and i still have no idea what i want to do with my life so i’m just wandering around. 

also, new friends. :D

fuck you.

unless you plan on fucking me,

how about we drop the subject of the status of me existing/non-existing dick. 

i mean, that’s nice if you want to fuck me and all, it’s all flattering, it’d make sense, since you are way more obsessed with my crotch than i ever was.

but at least take me out to dinner first.

and melanie is going to my cousins. so backwards. hopefully many pictures to be had. i’m disappearing more and more especially after this week. already made most of the room needed to move into my dad’s, just need to move my bed and drums and the rest should be easy.

going back to the whole asexual deal

random memory that suddenly makes a lot more sense for me personally. back in middle school i was incredibly anti-social and essentially only had two friends. i had a lot of people i knew and talked to, but i didn’t ever consider them friends. more like people i talked to so it wouldn’t got awkward waiting for the bell to ring in class.

anyways, i remember i found myself extremely attached and oddly attracted to one of my friends. i didn’t think of them in a sexual manner, or even really a romantic one, i just knew that i wanted to hang out with them all the time and i always wanted to talk to them alone and just be close to them, nothing really flirtatious in nature or anything. and i remember when she got her first boyfriend i got extremely jealous. like, it was an inappropriate amount of jealousy for a friend to be having a boyfriend.

i remember thinking “oh, i must be attracted to them. that’s why i’m so jealous.” but i never really felt sexually attracted, i never felt like i wanted to go that far with them. and so for years i went between “liking” them and “not liking” them. and i don’t think it’s that i ever stopped liking them, it’s that i got really fucking confused.

small rant done kthanx c:

the more i read up on asexuality, the more i identify with it. i mean, i still get urges, but they are reallyyyyyy wide and reallyyyyyyy far apart. i can honestly say i have only been legit sexually attracted to someone only three times. but i have had soooo many other relationships and it’s not that i was using them, i did really want to be around them, i really did feel attracted to them, it just wasn’t necessarily sexual in nature.

idk. gots some thinks to do.

what is this ._.

1: i am graduating in a week, holy fuck

2: i’m moving out to my dad’s here really damn soon, holy fuck.

3: this is my last week at my job, holy fuck.

4: i won’t have a computer when i move out to my dad’s, so i’m likely to disappear, holy fuck.

5: the computer i have now exploded with information and i had to clean it out and it’s taking me forever, holy fuck.

6: holy god damn shit face cunt sucking fuck.